Kyle Speaks Out...For the First Time

Well, well, well. This is my first time blogging on this whole site.

Hello to anyone out there who is reading this and or following Amanda and I's adventures in becoming parents. I honestly have not spoken to anybody about this (in detail) since we both discovered that God has given us a new life out of our love for each other, but there is definitely a reason for it.

It all goes back to when we broke the news to my parents and they responded in the worst way possible: I won't go too into detail about it, but you can refer to my Facebook note if you want to know the full story. However, my quick side of the story is that the night we broke the news, the single worst things were said by my parents: one of which was "there are only 2 options: abort it or adoption." I honestly can say I would never be able to live with myself and I know Amanda wouldn't either if we had considered either of those options. My heart would ache for her and my unborn child knowing that we either killed it or pawned it off for adoption, I could not live with myself under those circumstances. The other things that were said were just completely horrific and the worst things I've ever heard in my life, but I'm not gonna go too far into detail on that. The only other things I can say that broke my heart on that day and the days following when we revealed the news were my mom calling her "controlling, manipulative, overbearing, always taking (instead of give and take)" were just the worst things ever. I'm sitting there listening to my mom spew at the mouth and Amanda trying to hold back the tears and the anger and thinking to myself: what in the hell is going on? This is not my mother, who is this raging woman to say these things to the love of my life when we've been together for almost 4 years. In regards to the entire situation I'm also thinking: this isn't how this situation should be handled, this isn't what's supposed to happen when you find out you're gonna be parents or gonna be welcoming a new child into the world" and I was ashamed, embarrassed, and for the first time in my life, completely helpless. I went into deep workaholic mode to avoid both of them and just completely shut down from them and from everyone else in my family because both parents had the nerve to basically tattletale and tell Amanda and I's story and news before we even got to have a voice. What I was most surprised about is how quickly certain family members turned on us when in the past they accepted us a couple: bf/gf, engaged for the past years and then something comes up and there's a complete 360 response and I can quote "how could you do this? You're a scumbag, you're basically stealing something away from us."This whole workaholic exterior I put out I said was for financial reasons cause I knew I needed to get out of my house in Maryland because I mean, hello, why would I want to stick around in a state and a house where people are not going to support us and completely disapprove of us being together and being parents for that matter?????? If someone can enlighten me and give me a legitimate reason, I will be damned, and I'm very serious about that. While my savings weren't exactly the highest, the majority of that workaholic and tough guy exterior is about 10% the reason, the 90 percentile is that I needed some space where I was around people who I would hope would not judge me on one thing I did in my life like my family basically did to me and still treat me the same regardless of the situation: and luckily that was the case in the work environment that I used to belong to. People there always told me, you know, "You're a good guy, we're proud of you, you're doing the right thing, you're manning up and taking responsibilities and accepting the consequences and repercussions for your actions and not taking the easy way out by like, being a wimp and walking away alone a scared man." Those words definitely confirmed what I had been wanting to hear from the moment I broke the news to my parents while they took my role and broke it to my family, instead the roles were unfortunately reversed and still to this day, I'm embarrassed by that. People who knew me for 6 years or less were being less judgmental than people I knew my whole life, which again reiterated my whole theory and thoughts of: this isn't what's supposed to happen, why should I be feeling like a jerk and a sellout for something that Amanda and I created out of our everlasting love for one another? Being at home with people who 'til the day I left for Austin never looked at me the same way before this situation happened was the most alone I felt in my 23 year history.

Moving to Texas
 I remember just packing and thinking like "nothing will ever be the same again." I started developing panic attacks and I still just completely shut down emotionally. I remember on my final day at work, it was a very busy night, so I didn't really get to talk with anybody about what was going to happen, but after it was all over, it was nice to let loose and be real with everybody at our bar and just have fun and chitchat late at night and I remember just telling everybody goodbye and hearing em all wish me the best of luck were what I wanted as closure that I do have friends and people who support me regardless of whether I'm married or not and going to be a father. Sadly, once again, nothing like that came from my family: no genuine goodbyes, just disapproving statements like "I feel very uneasy that you will be on your own" came from my aunt, all that completely just disgusted me and still to this day does. I won't let it go, sorry.

Getting There
Meeting up with Amanda in Detroit and seeing her again after leaving her for a few weeks back at college and knowing we would be together forever regardless of parenthood right now or not, that moment, nothing else mattered, I'm with this incredible person who I love and who loves me back and we give and take so much to, for, and from each other.

My Life Since the Move

If I could describe it in one word it is this: is absolutely fabulous or drama free one word??????????????? My life since I've been down here is the happiest I've been since I did the Disney College Program 3 years ago, while maybe not as exciting as it was back then, still fabulous. OK, it is exciting I'm gonna be a parent, but the excitement of being in Disney is just a different kind of excitement emotion than this kind is all I'm trying to say, LOL. While I was skeptical about finding employment down here after the move, within I think 2 weeks or so, I found one through a website and applied and interviewed and was accepted. While it is exhausting and soreness erupts after a few hours, I really love my job and love the people who I work with, as well. They are also very understanding of my situation and are still getting to know me as a person but I feel have accepted me with open arms regardless of my social status, marital status/situation, etc. I can whole heartedly say that there was one day at work where I was telling a few people my story/situation where I just said in my head "I don't care anymore. I'm with an incredible woman who I'm in love with, and we created a life out of love for each other, why should we worry about what other people think? Who gives a crap? If they ain't with us, they're against us, and having people like that are like sore thumbs walking around and that puts us down and creates drama, man, we sure as hell don't need that in our lives now.

In regards to my family: I have NOT spoken to my parents in the last month and a half and quite honestly don't really intend on it (maybe forever) for the simple fact that they won't take back what they said to Amanda and apologize and try mending the bridges they broke with her, her family, me, and my soon-to-be-son. Hell, we extended an olive branch the night after the news was dropped and offered them the chance to be clued in on everything that we were thinking, doing, and everything in general regarding the baby. That was until the next day, they cut the branch off with their words and then set it on fire with their actions. So, from my point of view, they will just be Rhonda and Paul to my son, not Grandma and Grandpa after what they said and did.

In regards to fatherhood: I'm nervous and excited about it. This whole thing is just so surreal to me like every man dreams about the day he holds his newborn and I sure had my dreams and whatnot about it and it's happening and I'm anxious but excited at the same time. I just know that I'm in store for a journey of indescribable feelings and emotions revolving around me, my soon-to-be-wife, and my future son. It's a journey that I'm ready to take and I'm excited about it.